I'm Still Here.

The 6 month milestone has come and gone. I'm Still Here, Living day by day. In a state of disbelief, defeat, and resignation. I know my mother is gone, but somehow I hope for the call, it was all a terrible mistake.

That call will never come, I know that. Life as i knew it, died the same august day she did. It will never be the same. Who knew August 11th was the Last Sunday of my old life, the old me. The me that still had a mother.

And on the eve of yet another massive life change, my facebook feed again presents me with the words to describe my feelings, better than I. 

I haven't grieved properly and I have just kept going.

and i have

I've somehow found the strength though pain, sorrow, loss and heartbreak, to continue to live, to be a mum, to be a wife. Why do i feel like I'm on auto pilot then? I'm going through the motions like Buffy

Going through the motions
Walking through the part

Going through the motions
Faking it somehow
Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavour.

If you get that reference-buy yourself a choccie, you deserve it.

I hope this feeling lifts. I'm so stuck in my own head, in the WHY. Why HER?

She didn't live her life how she wanted ever, She wanted to do so much and will NEVER. She will never see her GREAT GRANDCHILDREN. EVER.

She will never come home, She will never get her teeth fixed and smile properly. She didn't live long enough to see her eldest child turn 40 or her youngest turn 18. And that FUCKING SUCKS.

GRIEF SUCKS

DEATH can go eat a bag of dicks.

But I will once again JUST KEEP GOING.

fuck.